Do you feel that no matter where you meet them, how different the circumstance are, the result is the same. You end up meeting the same kind of people, the wrong ones for you.

 

Example nr. 1:

A few days ago I had a lovely conversation with a woman in her 40s who told me she has simply given up hope of ever finding someone she could see herself being in a long and loving relationship with. She said: “ I have given a lot of myself for love. And now, I am at a point where I don`t feel I have the energy to make the effort anymore..”  

“Given a lot of myself”- sounded to me as though she gave more than she got back, that her efforts of doing her very best were resulting with disappointment. The fact that she said she had no longer the energy also means that it was an effort that felt like an unnatural one, something she needed to do, that was out of her comfort zone, not easy for her.

This is a common example of what I often hear from both men and women who share their stories with me. They often feel they have already done a lot, given a lot of themselves and are left discouraged.

Tip nr. 1:

If your efforts feel like a sacrifice, unnatural to you, they will also be seen this way to others and you will therefore not get the results you want.

People you are making this effort towards, will sense your fear, your doubt in yourself, your insecurities and will keep a certain distance from you. This may result with no results or with the same wrong type of people you will end up having around you.   

 

Example nr. 2:

I have recently spoken to a man in his 40s who has said that although he is confident and has no issues putting out the right message to women, a clear one of what he wants – he still ends up dating what he has been trying to avoid.

I believe that he is too focused on what he does not want, on what he is trying to avoid that he ends up bringing exactly that close to him.

The women who want to be around him know that in order to get his attention they need to put out the right message. So for a short period of time, they behave in a certain way hoping that once they get closer, they can remove “the mask” and be themselves again.

Tip nr. 2:

Take the time to listen to how the person you are dating or getting to know better describes themself BEFORE you put out your list of requirements.

Often one is more into the other, at least at the beginning. That person will be making more of an effort trying to get the other to like them as much as they do. With that, they tend to not be fully themselves. They believe that once they caught him / her in their net – they will be accepted for who they really are and before that they must play a game of saying and doing the right thing.

 

Example nr. 3:

Another woman in her 40s who reached out to me said she feels she is getting close to her all the “broken men”, the ones who are looking for someone to nurture them and heal them from their previous relationship. She considers herself to be a strong and independent woman, one who does not need a man to be happy and to support her. Therefore she will not compromise. She either dates the guy she wants or stays alone.

Tip nr. 3: and that one goes to both the man and the woman here.

The men who fit this example: You are not broken! You are hurt, and you need to find a way to heal that pain before you go out there looking for the next relationship. If you go put yourself out there too soon you will end up still being with one foot in your old relationship and therefore can`t give yourself fully to the new one. You will be too focused on comparing her to your ex and that is unhealthy and unfair towards the new woman in your life.

Take the time, work on yourself, alone or with a professional and with that, your new relationship actually has a real chance of working out.

The woman in this example: By being so strong you are putting out the vibe of It  doesn`t really matter to me if you are in or out of my life. I am happy to be alone. If you want to be in my life you need to fit that tight box and the tiny space I have designated for it in my tight schedule.

You are bound to get the men who will over compromise and sacrifice in order to be with you. The ones you do not want to have. And seem bit too high maintenance to many men which will mostly stay away. Confidence and independance is important and sexy but too much is intimidating and complicated.

 

Change comes through change. If you want to stop a pattern you need to change first your actions and your behaviour before you expect anything from others.

 

I look forward to read your comments, answer your messages and listen to your stories.

Sharon