Are you holding on to anger, disappointment, betrayal?

With time this will wear you down physically and mentally.

Carrying those emotions from a previous relationship means they will enter your future relationships whether you like it or not.

At the same time, licking your wounds, learning from past mistakes and moving on, are easier said than done.

The first step to forgiveness is not trying to forget. We all deal with emotions differently, so take the time you need in order to heal. Not denying how that makes you feel or apologize about the way you behave.

Remember that forgiveness is something you are doing for yourself in order to feel more in control with events in your life.

Here are some tips I would like to share with you on how to forgive someone and by doing that, also forgiving yourself:

The first and most important step to forgiveness is make the conscious decision: It is time to forgive

Whenever the images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind, divert your thoughts consciously to something that makes you feel happy, and relaxed. You can do that on a regular basis as a form of meditation inviting those thoughts and replacing them with happier ones. With time, you will feel that you are more in control of your mind and the ability of letting go.

Forgiveness vs. seeking for justice: Understand the difference between the two and separate them.

Forgiveness is about letting go of your own painful and sabotaging emotions. Justice is when the person who hurt you apologizes, is punished or is doing their best to correct their wrong doing. Forgiving this person does not mean that you excuse them from what they have done to you. You can still forgive them and at the same time want justice – not revenge.

Do not pretend the events that hurt you never happend.

It is important to remember what it is that left you in the pain you are in so you can learn what who to trust and how to trust.

Express your feelings in a letter to yourself:

Sometimes its not possible to tell the person that hurt you how you feel. They might have passed away, you have no contact with them or you fear it may bring in more problems.

I suggest putting all your feelings into a letter, revisiting this letter and adjusting it until it describes what you are going through. You will see that after a while, reading it will become easier, less painful and you might even decide to tear it apart or burn it – eventually letting go.  

Replacing forgiveness with self-protection:

If you are in a relationship and your partner is the one who hurt you, consider reconciling with them if you are both working as hard on forgiveness and moving on. If your partner is not willing to do what is needed in order for you to heal or shows no regrets for their wrong doing, its best to seek further coaching.

Observe patterns of situations or people who continuously hurt you: Being in a situation where the end result is you always getting hurt means you are not putting your needs and values where they should be. You therefore need to find a way to protect yourself by removing yourself from that environment or from that same person.

Final note:

You can not erase what happened, but you have the choice to forgive, let go and walk away leaving behind the negative emotions and walking towards a happier and healthier future!

 

Send me a message and let me know what have you tried and what you would like to try.

sharon@erikssoncoaching.ch